Archive for the ‘Relationships is about giving and not expecting’ Category

Below is what I wrote in one of my pals’ blog today. I thought I share it with you.

Cheong wrote –

Thursday, February 15, 2007
Valentine’s Day Musings

Valentine’s Day had come and gone! Perhaps for many they look forward to the next Valentine’s Day in 2008. What did we do yesterday? Well, nothing! I guess coming into our 35th year in marriage, we do not need such events to remind us of our commitments to each other but of course it is always good to express or articulate love as often as we can for whether you are male or female we need love. Moreover since the stroke, Rock is uncomfortable with crowds, noisy places and unfamiliar environments. So I cooked a meal for the both of us and talked.

What did we do yesterday? We reminisces about when we first met, about her father chasing me away from the house and told me that I came to visit too often and how we fell in love with each other. Honestly I fell in love with her Curries first! Rock is a fantastic cook and her Curries are one of the best around. Perhaps she discovered the secret of getting a man’s heart through his stomach and I am definitely an easy catch since I love food and especially Curries.

We also reminisces about the couples that we know who are divorced now. Reflecting on this, I noticed that it is more and more difficult for the present generation to stay married. Divorce rates are climbing not only in the West but also in the more traditional cultures in the East as well. It is alarming enough for Governments round the world to set-up various departments to study, give counsel as well as prevent divorces and very often they recruit the religious leaders of the major religions to join in their various forums.

I am sure the reasons are complex, multi-dimensional and also difficult to lay a finger on. My belief is that people get married because they love each other, sincerely, truly, and deeply enough to take the step. Then through the years be it few or many, something went wrong in the relationship and from “I cannot live without you” to “I cannot live with you anymore”. So what went wrong?

I read a Book titled “Hiding From Love” ( featured here under Book of the Week) and it was mind opening for me. It never occurred to me, even through years of being married and staying married that there is such a thing called Hiding From Love. What I learnt is that hiding is not always a conscious process. At times due to our deep hurts and immaturities, we isolate ourselves for so long that we no longer have access to certain thoughts, feelings or memories and we do not know how to reconnect back to those we love. The Book also explains about Helpful Hiding and Harmful Hiding and HOPE for those in hiding! Very good read indeed!

This is what I wrote –

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hi Cheong,

What a great relationship and love that you and Rock have. Very admirably indeed.

Today’s couples have too much choices. Everything boils down to money and material things. These couples as individuals have conditioned / imprinted in their minds expectations for self-glorifications and pursuits and forgetting well-being is not about money and materialism. It is about love and care for others; only then wellness and calm can befall on self.

I recommend a very provocative read of a book by Jay Haley titled “Conversations with Milton Erickson, MD. – volume II – Changing Couples”. Milton was a reknown leading innovator in the field of therapy.

These conversations present in an informal and often humorous way his basic approaches to children, families, marital couples, and all the kinds of people who seek out a therapist to resolve their dilemmas.